WHY I’M A “BAD PERSON” AND I’M FINE WITH THAT

 The title alone isn’t exactly clickbait, but if you read this far chances are you’re interested in this topic; so I’ll explain. 

You see, there’s a story I don’t want to talk about right now, or at the very least I won’t name names, but I’ll long story short summarize events. 

I’ve had many more conversations at bars than I’m initially proud of, Alaska bars aren’t exactly going to be as smart as I generally try to be. But one conversation in particular irked me. 

It was a conspiracy theorist and supporter of my youtube channel (whose name I will not mention here out of general respect) who I had the number and facebook info for (she trusted me like a friend, which probably bothered me more than it should). 

Anyway, we had a particularly heated convo at the bar; the bartender stopped it (bless his heart [I’m an atheist, it’s an expression]) and we respectfully disagreed (me a little less so, I’m getting to it). 

Now, for one stupid reason or another, this conversation stewed in my head for a while (a couple weeks if not months later) and I fully acknowledge how irrational it was; what happened next was even worse. 

I, totally unprompted, attacked her over text. It started pretty benign, but I HEAVILY (and in ways I don’t want to specify) attacked her, insulting her intelligence and asking her to unsubscribe from my channel (she did, in fact, and had every right to). 

Except things didn’t change. 

I had obsessed over this conversation for so long that I didn’t even acknowledge the positives of my life; my relationship with my mother suffered because of this. 

While in general I was pretty productive in these recent times, I still did not like myself or my interactions with people any more. 

I kept forgetting that happiness comes from within. 

So what does this have to do with being a “bad person” (note the quotes in the title and here)?

Well, by “bad person” I really mean “person who keeps trying”. I’m not saying what I did was right, what I did was disgusting and uncalled for (both to the bar patron and my mother). 

But believe, me I am genuinely trying to be a better (less “bad”) person one step at a time. 

Nobody’s perfect, I will never be anywhere close, and honestly, I’m fine with that. 

So from the bottom of my heart, from anyone else who I hurt intentionally or unintentionally, I truly am sorry; I really am trying my best. 

I’m a bad person, but I can only get better. And I’m still fine with that, now.